Monday, February 21, 2005

an intense ride

ok so i'm stoned out of my mind right now. and i just drove home from my cousin georgia's house in a friggin crazy snow storm. it was SO hard to see. as if my memory isn't like an etch-a-sketch already, whenever i drive whilst stoned, i have this awful habit of forgetting where I am every thirty seconds. I'm like a fish in a bowl. and when you are driving home on dark country roads in a BLIZZARD, that particular trait makes things SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT. admittedly my own fault, the fear-stricken drive was a terrible way to ruin a good high. but here's the thing. i get so distracted by my own thoughts. that's what happens. I lose my place because my mind is racing. While i was at georgia's i read this article (or part of it - reading comprehension is also slightly difficult whilst stoned...) from Atlantic Monthly on shame. It was such an interesting article about shame and how it plays a part in all of our lives in some way or another. And some people feel less and some people feel more. Which led me to thinking about Ken, who feels more. He just doesn't like himself at all. And while I understand that feeling in theory, I am quite the opposite. I am adamantly pro-Me. i am the most intense cheerleader for my life. It is a learned effort but a successful one. I love myself. After much effort and hard work, I really, truly do. It's a good thing, yes. But in my rose-colored oblivion, it makes it tough to fully grasp how Ken could not see how great he is too. Such a wonderful person - kind, sweet, smart. How can he not see that? And the music inspired me. I was listening to "Hey Jude" in the car on the way home. And I heard the song as if it were to say "Accept the love of the one who wants so badly to give it to you." And I hope Ken accepts mine. And even though I know I can never make him truly happy, if I could for just one second, make him see how great he really is, then I would be satisfied. And then I am home. And safe. So now I am in my pajamas, stoned, reflecting on the past 20 minutes. And man, was that an intense ride.


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