Tuesday, February 01, 2005

nothing nothing

i worry. i worry that i exist in a state of almost drowned all the time. that i bite off more than i can chew. that really i have no motivation to do any of the things i said i would do - i would rather just sit and look pretty. but its the fact that people believe in me, believe that i can do these crazy things that makes me do them. and i guess that's good. people believe in me for a reason. i'm a hard worker when i "put my mind to it." where is my mind right now? i feel slightly fuzzy and intensely unmotivated. i can't even decide if i'm actually unmotivated or not. is this a phase? will this pass? should i just keep on truckin? no one's going to live this life for me. is it a copout that i'm happy just hanging out? i saw a sign that said "winners are willing to do what losers will not." am i a winner? what does it involve? cause i mean i hate that all i do is sit on my couch and watch TV but i'm tired! but am i tired because i don't do anything? i did go to two mics already this week and am feeling better. just being around creative people makes me feel better. a little anyway. i blame my listlessness on my job - that it sucks all the energy out of me. but i really just need an outlet - someway to get rid of the tension that this meaningless job gives me. i think i have a good outlook on life. i think i am strong enough to handle lots of tough situations. i can do that. its the whole what-am-i-doing-with-my-life that gets me down. i want to write a book about the artstars. i want to write for magazines. i want to write and perform situational comedy. i want to create characters and perform them. i want to write and perform standup comedy. now all of these things are possible - completely. why can't i get myself to get going on them? come on. come on. come on.


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