Friday, February 11, 2005

life is so real sometimes

I was just talking to my dad on the phone. calling him actually to see if I could borrow 40 bucks. I haven't asked in a while and I'm broke so I figured...but that's not what I'm thinking about. I talked to him about my beau. And the difficulty it is to be in a relationship. and its an odd thing to talk to my dad about it. I try to be as honest as possible with him and to remember that he's just a person and that he went through plenty of hardship himself. I can talk to him about it sure. And I guess its just been how I've been feeling because it bubbled up over and out of my mouth into my conversation with my dad.
"So what's going on?" he asks. A question which I will hear 12 more times within the same conversation.
"Well, you know I'm still dating Ken. (this is my first naming him publicly, isn't it. well, here we go) And its going well but, well you know, its hard sometimes to be in a relationship. They have their things and you have your things and you have to just work it out."
"What do you mean?" My vague semantics did nothing to detract him. This is my dad after all. He just wants to make sure I'm okay. Especially when it comes to me having a boyfriend.
"Well, he's got an anxiety disorder much like my roommate and sometimes the manifestation of that makes it difficult." I avoid, like I do in most conversations, explaining that this "manifestation" is him not calling me. There's just no way to make that sound okay.
I continue," I like him but sometimes its difficult. He's had a tough time recently and I have a hard time accepting that there is nothing I can do. He just has to go through it and all I can do is stand by him. I really think he's worth doing that - waiting. But its tough." It has been only a week since the last time I saw Ken and usually I don't freak out until at least the middle of the second week of not talking to him. I try to be as understanding as possible and for a little bit we had a rhythm of seeing each other every two weeks. But I guess no rhythm can last forever. As my wait-a-week-and-a-half-to-freak-out rhythm escapes me, I have begun to worry that the last time we were together, I came on too strong, that I have freaked him out. And with Valentine's Day fast approaching, the little princess inside of me is hoping with all her might that her knight will come with some roses and a nice sentiment to celebrate the holiday of chocolate and the color pink. And it is slowly dawning on me that it is most likely not going to happen. And that that is not the end of the world. But it does disappoint me just a little bit (okay a helluva lot more than I am willing to admit to myself...). And it is those moments when I question: what am I doing with this guy? Does he really appreciate and reciprocate my affections? Or am I kidding myself into thinking this guy likes me when all he really wants is a warm body on occasion to cheer him up...oh, I don't really think that. I can think of no acceptable alternative to "he's into me but he doesn't know what to do about it." That was the prognosis I got from my roommate, Samantha - the woman who set us up.
But, meh. Its difficult is all. I just have to deal with it. Grin and bear it. And stick to it. I have no fortitude, no patience - this is my life lesson. He's lucky I'm in love with him.


Blogger Jefferson said...

He is lucky for that!

3:41 PM  

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