Thursday, February 24, 2005

why do I let them get to me?

I have to get out of this job. I just can't handle it anymore. The ladies that work here are SUCH ASSHOLES to me. I mean seriously. They don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. And the clients are jerks too. So rude. I mean, where do you get off being so rude?
I don't know. I have been having a really tough time dealing with work lately. I mean, I just can't handle it. I thought maybe a long weekend would make it better, I would calm down. But it doesn't. I just feel all tied up in knots when I am here.
And I just don't care anymore. The only reason I'm keeping the job is to use up the 4 free plane tickets I have. I don't know. I just don't know if I'm going to be able to make it. It would be horrible to lose free travel but seriously, I HATE everyone here. I just can't stand being here. Every morning I wake up and hope that this day something will change. That everyone won't be SUCH ASSHOLES to me all the time. I'm the receptionist I know but I am not a fucking peon.
And it ruins me. It drains me. I don't know. Can i give up my sanity in exchange for health insurance and free plane tickets? I'm not sure anymore.
I've thought about going to see someone, someone who I can bitch to all the time, but really, is that going to help? I feel nothing but venom and contempt for all of the ladies in my office. I spit on them.
But why? It wasn't so bad a few months ago. I was okay.
But now Margalie doesn't care and it takes away from her work. I'm sure she feels the same way about me. We are both sad and listless at this office. But somehow she doesn't let the jerks get to her. She just brushes it off while I am constantly being tied in knots, so angry I'm afraid that I'll yell at one of the idiots in the office and get fired. I've already caught myself being rude to one of them. I couldn't help it - she asked the same stupid question she asks every fucking day.
I don't know - shouldn't I just be happy that I have a job and accept my plight as a receptionist. Be happy that I make a good amount of money and have the freedom to do alot of things. No. I don't want that. I don't want to feel trapped in a job because of money or health insurance. I don't need it. I'm fine. I guess.
I don't know what to do. Its been a little over a year. I've never really had a job this long. But does settling down really mean settling? There has to be SOMETHING I can do. I can get another job, maybe doing something different, making more money.
I don't know.
Irene keeps saying I should be thankful that i have a job at all when her job is hanging in the balance. but how can I be when it sucks this much?
what is wrong with me? I am crying at my desk. what the fuck?
so Margalie is not in the office today. But not because she is sick but because the main office needed her to fill in for their receptionist who is out today. so I asked the ladies in this office if they could possibly help me out with the phones to give me a lunch break. ONE FUCKING HOUR. well they bitched and bitched at me "Why can't so-and-so do it? I can't, I'm too busy. I hate the phones - can't you find someone else?" what the fuck am I supposed to do here? I mean really. all it is ONE HOUR and there are 5 people trained on the phones, they could all do like 12 minutes each. but instead of just helping out, two of these friggin bitches call me and are like "didn't you train Judy? can't she do it?" well she never got trained no. but YOU did. its 10 minutes people. for the love of god. and what the fuck are you doing? I see you sitting around chatting ALL THE TIME. can't you just help? but no. I do TONS of shit for them but when I need something its the end of the world.
I can't handle that. what the fuck is wrong with people?
I don't know what to do. I need some help. I have to get out of here.


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