Monday, March 07, 2005

growing up is hard to do

so this whole figuring myself out thing is really hard. first of all, i still have no idea what i'm doing. but i guess that comes in time. its just the getting used to it. getting used to the idea that i don't know and that its okay that i don't know. i had no idea i had such a controlling force within in me but I do. so what has been changing and developing are my relationships. i had a pretty intense talk with Irene about our relationship and how we could make it better. it was at a pretty intense time. when i was feeling completely down and out that she began this conversation with me, but i'm glad we had it. there was a lot that needed to be said. we have, after all, only been friends for about a year now. it was time for some spring cleaning in that dept. but i'm glad it worked out the way it did because it helped me alot to figure out what I needed to work on in myself. and she will be there for me the way that i need her to be. its really all good in that dept. another relationship that has gone through a little changing has been with Ken. he's got a lot going on for him right now, trying to figure out what meds are going to help him the most in dealing with his depression. and that, in itself, is hard work. so we talked on saturday and have taken the commitment level of our relationship down a few notches. it sucked having that conversation too. it really broke my heart that he couldn't fit me in his life right now. but i really do care for him and understand that it is just so hard for him to deal with daily life, never mind a girlfriend and all that entails. so we're still dating. he still cares about me and wants me around, but his first priority is himself and feeling better. and while i cried for hours about it, it really is better. i have to let him go. for both of our sakes. it was getting really hard for me to be monogamous and dedicated to a guy who could not give back that much. so i will support him while he heals himself and if it meant to be, then we'll end up together in the end. if it's not, well then we'll know. its just time, time that sucks. but still, slowly but surely i'm figuring it all out.


Post a Comment

<< Home