Sunday, March 13, 2005

liz always makes me think

so i slept intensely late today and when i woke up, as i was reflecting on last night and all of the crazy, likely inadvised things i did last night, my friend Liz called me. she offered to make me dinner and then we could write. and since i have nothing in my fridge but water and pasta (ugh not again), i went over to her house. and we talked. and whenever we talk, as i have mentioned before, she just has a way of knowing what i need to hear. i let her talk about her stuff first because, as i mentioned to her, mine could take all night. so when it got time for me to share, i told her about my most recent discussion with Ken. about our relationship. and she thinks i should be honest with him and tell him how i feel, and when she said i realized that i think so too. everyone i have been talking to about it tells me that i should move on and find a guy who takes care of me and who puts me first and who wants to spend all his time with me. and sure, that might be nice. but you can't control who you fall in love with - and i am in love with Ken. nothing i can do about it. i've tried to talk myself out of it. i've tried to think about ending it all and finding someone who wants to be with me everyday. but i just don't want to. i told you, i'm stubborn. its hard to be honest with yourself. hard to admit that even though something makes you miserable, that maybe its the best thing for you. my life is hard. every day. i mostly hold it all in, but thankfully, i have had a reawakening that makes me happy to open up. and not in a superficial way (which i have done plenty of times). i want to open up. of course i don't want to lose my privacy but i need to be honest. honest with myself. with everyone in my life. especially Ken. because its important. if he is someone with whom I want to share my life (and he is, i know that for sure), i need him to know. to know that i ache for him, that i love him, love him for who he is, for all of the things about him that are wonderful and inspiring and nice and neat and for all of the things about him that are messy and disorganized and crazy and troubled. all of it. i want to be a part of his life. and not in an auxiliary way. in a constant way, a way that helps us both, a way that makes us grow (even if there are, as always, growing pains). i want it all - the bliss, the fear, the exhiliration, the tears. it is all for him. for me. for us. but i am afraid. afraid that if i share this with him, he will run away. that if i tell him i love him, that instead of embracing this as Truth and being glad to have me, that he will feel suffocated by this idea and unable to give back and he will run far far away from me. that is his MO after all - to run away. his anxiety makes him overwhelmed by social pressures, especially that of a girlfriend. but how do i tell him that i am scared too, that he doesn't need to run away from me because I accept him. and with all the shit and difficulty, i want to be there. that i understand that he needs time and space and i will give it to him. as long as he knows how i feel. but really, i want him to love me back. Liz is right. love is selfish. we want to give love selflessly but really we want to be loved back. and i need that. i need to tell him i love him both so he knows it and so i can get it off my chest. i want him to tell me he loves me back. not immediately of course, i can wait for that. i can wait for anything. but i will not wait for nothing. i have to know that there isn't a nothing at the end of all of this. that i did this, felt this for nothing. i know that i can't expect promises or immediate change. but i don't know...i don't want fear to overwhelm this impulse. Liz is right. i should tell him. be honest. he needs to know, if only to know that he can be loved. because he doesn't think he deserves it. but he does, oh he does, he deserves more than even I can give him. i guess that is where the selflessness comes in. telling him so that he can feel good about himself. but isn't that still selfish? oh what does it matter... i have been writing him a letter for weeks, months, with all of my deepest darkest feelings about him, all of the love and intensity i can muster. and now i am going to give it to him. because even if i can find someone who will want to be with me everyday, someone who can spend all his time with me, it doesn't matter. i don't want them. i want Ken. i love Ken.


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