Sunday, April 17, 2005

sensitive melissa loves jeff mac

Dear Jeff Mac,

My name is Melissa and I am a sophomore at St John's Prepatory in Fairbanks, PA. I am your biggest fan. I actually started the Jeff Mac official fan club (only cool people allowed). I found your blog on the world wide web one day when I was researching for a paper in my history class. I was searching for information on Bernie Mac . The paper was on influential African Americans in history and I really like his show - but don't worry, there is NO COMPETITION. You are way funnier than Bernie. Plus, you are superhott. And you know what? I like things too. I like comedy and Connecticut and computers. But most of all, I love America's Next Top Model. It is my most absolute favorite show ever. And I love reading your reviews. I really think you and I are perfect for each other because we can hang out at your apartment in Brooklyn and watch that show every day if you want. But first, you're going to have to get rid of your girlfriend because she does not love you like I do. No one does. No one would kill themselves for you. Every day I listen to Kelly Clarkson and think about how you and I should be together forever and how that bitch is in our way. She better watch out. And don't even think about cheating on me with Tyra Banks because I heard she only likes rich guys. Not me. I love poor guys, especially funny ones. And you are very funny. And I promise, once I am old enough to come to a bar and my parents let me go to New York City on my own, I will go to your show, No Hitting, every week. I'll even work the door! But I promise to pay you because it just wouldn't feel right to see such a GREAT show for free. I have plenty of money anyway because my dad's a proctologist. He wants to meet you by the way - he says if I have a boyfriend, then he should know who he is. I think so too.
Oops, got to go. Mrs. Lahey is handing out pop quizzes. Please write back. I love you.

Melissa Schafer Mac
president of the Jeff Mac official fan club (only cool people allowed)


Blogger Jeff Mac said...

Dear Ms. Schafer,

Thanks for your interest in/approval of Jeff Mac. He appreciates your support. Due to your age, it will not be possible for Jeff to contact you in person. But if you are attractive, please feel free to send him a photo. After all, it's still legal for him to THINK that sort of stuff about a 15 year old, right?

Oh, and Jeff would be happy to meet your dad. Jeff's getting to that age where a guy needs to hire another guy to probe his hiney for trouble. Maybe you could get Jeff a discount!


Jeff Mac's...uh...assistant

P.S. Let's keep that first paragraph on the down-low, if you don't mind. I've got enough problems right now.

1:11 AM  

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