Thursday, April 14, 2005

there is no escape

a sentiment brought to me by elizabeth mary keeps ringing in my head. the idea that we are who we are and we cannot escape it no matter what we do. this can be disheartening but it can also be empowering. and right now i am realizing this as a truth. that i am who i am. i guess what is most interesting is that i am just now getting in touch with who that is. i was always there, doing what i do, but always trying to be something else. thinking that maybe it was outside stimulus that developed in me the bad qualities that i hate so much about myself. but i think it might just be me. and i don't mean that in a self-deprecating way. i don't hate myself. i have alot of admirable qualities too. but i am, of course, preoccupied with the hateful qualities. now, by accepting who i am, i will not give up my constant quest to be better. but i think i've been a little too hard on myself. i give my friends alot of slack for their less than great qualities. in fact, some of them i love them all the more for their little quirks and faults. and there are so many more important things to worry about. but really, one of the hardest things for me (and probably for everyone else too) is to be nice to people. all the time. i just can't. i'm angsty and angry and annoyed. but i can try. try to take care of as many people as i can. be as sweet and kind as possible. it is in my nature to be warm and maternal and in every single one of my friendships, i take on that role. but i have to remember all the time not to go overboard (another fun fault: extremist, anyone?) and to remember to take care of myself. i need an appropriate way to reduce stress, to motivate myself, to get up in the morning. this is not to say that i don't enjoy myself on my good days. i'm cheery and charming and comforting. i am happy and satisfied with my life as i have crafted it thus far (as much as one designs their own lifepath, that is). i have a good outlook and an exceptional way of taking things in. i am occasionally tickled by my own thoughts. i like me. but as a whole, i'm tough. i'm intense. i'm a ball of energy going everywhere at once and to be honest, i don't know how to take me sometimes. but i am all i've got. forever. i wonder, will i always be so crazy? or will i eventually settle into myself? i'm hoping for a revelation at 30. i'll let you know how it goes.


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