fakeitude

why do people want me to be fake? i get in the office this morning and ruth is like" are you okay?" i'm like, sure. she says "well, you're not smiling." i said "i'm sorry it's just early in the morning." you've got to figure that after a year working with these women that they'd get that i'm not a morning person. and its monday. and the phones ringing off the hook. why exactly would i smile? but they'd rather i just pretend. i mean, i'm nice to all of the clients. (mostly) what else do they want? one friggin agent actually complained to my coworker that i didn't say "good morning" to her every day and she thought that was rude. oh for the love of god, people. i mean, how do i muster the energy to be nice to you people when all i get is complaining and difficulty. how do i successfuly pretend? this may have been easier for women of their generation. and i don't know why it should be difficult for me. but i've never been one to be fake. i just can't do it. you're getting the real me 24/7. and if i'm pretending, you know, you can tell. this is not to say that i am 100% open all the time. yes i hide. sure. but if i'm acting like everything's okay and you are sure that everything is not, well then i have worked really hard to convince myself that it'll all be okay and i need not worry about it and just have a good time. its like when i was younger and i'd be out to dinner with my parents and my mom would yell at me because i laughed too loud. seriously. what is wrong with laughing? shouldn't we be happy when people are having such a good time that they are laughing, even if it is really loud. needless to say (if you've ever heard me laugh) i didn't listen. i don't think we should hide anything. and i think being fake is the worst thing to do - both for your own psyche and for everyone around you. because the longer you bottle things up, the worse it is when the bottle explodes. this I know. or i'm learning. at least i'm trying to be real most of the time.