Monday, May 16, 2005


have you ever had emotions that you could not name? emotions that you are quite sure don't even live in the realm of logic? you just feel intensely and it hurts but you can't explain it.
this is what happens when the guy you were dating, who disappeared for 3 months comes back to see you and "explain" why he took off.
as if i needed this right now.
i was just starting to get happy again.
i have a crush on a new, nice, promising, possibly not emotionally fucked up guy.
and then there's this.
he seemed so calm, so clear and yet wholly himself.
and inside me were dueling voices. one that cries out for love lost and never to be back again. and the other, reasonable, logical explaining to me all the reasons that this will not work out and how it is for the best. the fight is on inside my heart and my head.
and he just looks at me, calmly, sadly. "i'm sorry," he says. and his depression comes to the forefront and taunts me. how can i hold this man accountable for his disease?
but even if i forgive him wrongs of unrequited love and abandonment, the logical voice says, i must NOT fall for him again.
and its all so hard.
and i am crying as i speak to him in the seats by the stage at the bowery.
and we speak outside and i tell him i am "doing fine."
and before he leaves, we hug. and it is torture like i have never known to have his arms around me again.
and he leaves. again. finally. this time with closure.
i am glad that all of this happened in a place where i am comfortable. a place where after he had gone and i cried it all out in the bathroom stall downstairs, i could talk to my friends and know that it is better. and be comforted in their smiles and their hugs and their genuine concern for their tear-streaked friend. i know it is better.
its time to move on.
let it go.


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