this shit sucks
i am mired in self loathing lately. and the irony of that is i hate myself when i get like this. and so, i am caught in the circle of it. great.
an element of the problem, though assuredly not the entirety of it, is my boy situation right now. i have a thing with this boy. an unnamed thing. with no rules or regulations. no structure. and i love structure. so i think that he's not interested...anymore i guess. or at all. i don't know. we... but that doesn't mean anything. not here. not now. nothing. it means nothing. i thought we got along well and i do have fun when i am with him. but all i can think of when i am with him now is this vibe that he is not interested. and that sort of mucks it up. but am i ruining it? or is it already ruined and i am just the annoying girl who keeps calling and trying to get together? i don't know. maybe both. i ruin most things.
blah.
i am so blah.
and this, what was initially a source of respite, now seems a vanity piece. i am caught. and all i want to do is hide.
i wonder, if i wasn't surrounded by people who are also in a constant state of self loathing, would i myself be better? do i have to give it time? and what does that mean? wait until it passes? work harder to like myself? take the focus off of myself enough that i forget, or better yet, don't have time to think about why i suck? ugh.
i wish i could move far far away to a cabin in the woods, where i could write alone. and just be. then i wouldn't need to worry about boys and how not a single one of them is actually interested in me. i wouldn't need to worry about this shit job and how i should just keep it because it really isn't all that bad. i wouldn't have to think about my non-career and how much i wish i could be given the chance to be something huge.
but instead, i will be here. sad, lonely, and tired. surrounded by millions of people who don't give a shit about me or themselves. or those who care but who can't change anything.
where am i?
an element of the problem, though assuredly not the entirety of it, is my boy situation right now. i have a thing with this boy. an unnamed thing. with no rules or regulations. no structure. and i love structure. so i think that he's not interested...anymore i guess. or at all. i don't know. we... but that doesn't mean anything. not here. not now. nothing. it means nothing. i thought we got along well and i do have fun when i am with him. but all i can think of when i am with him now is this vibe that he is not interested. and that sort of mucks it up. but am i ruining it? or is it already ruined and i am just the annoying girl who keeps calling and trying to get together? i don't know. maybe both. i ruin most things.
blah.
i am so blah.
and this, what was initially a source of respite, now seems a vanity piece. i am caught. and all i want to do is hide.
i wonder, if i wasn't surrounded by people who are also in a constant state of self loathing, would i myself be better? do i have to give it time? and what does that mean? wait until it passes? work harder to like myself? take the focus off of myself enough that i forget, or better yet, don't have time to think about why i suck? ugh.
i wish i could move far far away to a cabin in the woods, where i could write alone. and just be. then i wouldn't need to worry about boys and how not a single one of them is actually interested in me. i wouldn't need to worry about this shit job and how i should just keep it because it really isn't all that bad. i wouldn't have to think about my non-career and how much i wish i could be given the chance to be something huge.
but instead, i will be here. sad, lonely, and tired. surrounded by millions of people who don't give a shit about me or themselves. or those who care but who can't change anything.
where am i?
posted by Amy Pacheco at 9:47 AM
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