Wednesday, July 06, 2005

sad amy wallows

i just found this other blogspot creation: and i have fallen in love with it. (and if i knew anything about html or anything web-related, i'd make an attempt to "link" my blog with it. but whatever.) its a beautiful, artful way of bring humanity out into the open. and i read a comment in it that made me think, well, i am not so alone, i tell people things about my life all the time. but the thing is, i don't. there are parts of me. parts of me that i keep inside because they are unsavory. today, for example. i am feeling so disgustingly self-deprecating, i am almost crying at my desk. now many might fault my job but it has nothing to do with it. not today. today the work that i have to do and the stupid people with which i am forced to interact are but a nuisance. it is all inside my head. last night, as previously recounted, i was blown off. and for some reason, this particular rejection has sent me into a tailspin of "i will never find love" and "no one has ever had a crush on me." and that's tough. especially on so little sleep, on a day on which my only human interaction is crazy, stupid, mean people on the phone. for the past couple of weeks, i had made peace with the insane clientele and coworkers i see everyday. but with the self-hating thoughts running through my head right now, its tough. and i can't seem to shake it. and yet, i have no time NO TIME to sleep now. i have jokes to write, dances to learn, posters to hang, visiting cousins to greet. and through it all, all i can think about is how every guy that i ever come in contact with decides that he wants no kind of relationship with me. none. i live in a pool of this rejection. i've had plenty of sex sure. but the novelty is wearing off. i have had only one real relationship in my life and i don't even know if it really was a real relationship at all. and it was almost 10 years ago. who goes that long? i'm afraid that at this point, i lack any and all skills one might need to have a relationship. to find and nurture a relationship. and the worst part of it is that i'm too stubborn to let go of the idea of having a relationship. so i struggle on. doomed to repeat the same rejection over and over. "i don't really want a relationship with you right now. i just want to be friends/fuckbuddies."
if this is my life, I need a new one STAT.


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