Tuesday, August 30, 2005

please make it stop

do you ever get to the point where absolutely everything that could possible go wrong goes wrong? well i'm there. NOTHING goes right for me anymore. NOTHING. and i just don't know what to do. i mean i don't know how much longer i can handle this. i can't take a step without tripping. almost all of my shoes have broken. i can't buy a Metrocard because there is something wrong with my transitchek or the metrocard machines or my card but no one can tell me how to fix it. its just "sorry unable to process" everywhere i go. i've painted myself into a corner with my job. i mean i hate it and do want to leave asap but i can't can't can't do it without getting a new job. and i get interview after interview but NO ACTUAL JOB. i am well qualified. i am a hard worker. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? if i'm being tested, i fail. i fail horribly. but i cannot, will not leave this city in defeat again. I WILL NOT. the only real option i have is to forgo my vacation with Irene. because i do not have anymore days I can take off. i hate to do it. its a huge waste of a free trip - but seriously, how? how can i possibly do anything about it? and i hate that i would even have to do that to her. we've been talking about this trip all year. granted, we should have gone somewhere months ago but now, its down to the wire and we have to go. i mean we sort of have to go. but seriously if i don't find anything else, i have to stay here. at this horrible, disgusting job that i hate. i think it might kill me if i stay too much longer and yet last night i was thinking, well, i could just stay until Christmas just to get the bonus and then take off. but Christmas is a long way away. and i would be absolutely forgoing my free trip. unless of course we just went somewhere for a weekend. but that's even kind of lame. i feel like such a complete and total failure. nothing has been going right in my life. i hate myself and don't know why. i can't even remember who i am anymore, except that i am some pathetic crying girl who cannot handle her life. i feel like i am drowning and i will never be able to get out. and my pride, my one strength, my pride is holding me down. i hate asking for help but i have been all the time lately - for jobs, for advice, for support, for money. and i hate doing it. i hate relying on anyone but myself. but i just can't do this on my own. not if everything i try is going to blow up in my face. but the thing is, everyone i know had problems. and i hate burdening them with my issues. they have enough to deal with on their own. and i know i have to suck it up, suck it up and rely on my friends because i want them to rely on me. and i can handle helping them even in my darkest hour. in fact, lately, it has been all i can feel good about. helping them, being there for them. if i can do that, i am a good person. not at all the overly self-involved freak i think i am. how am i going to find a new job when i feel like this? how can i present myself to people as a good employee when i am crying all the time and upset about my life? how? i just feel all this pressure to get this new job by the end of october. irene wants us to go on our trip then. but i'm afraid. i cannot leave this job until i have something, even something part time set up in the interim. seriously. i am not good with unemployment. i will never find something if i don't find it before i leave here. i just can't even handle it. i haven't even heard back from the Gap - i mean if i don't get hired at the Gap, i may just have to shoot myself in the face. or triumph at being so absolutely rockin at failure. i think i should win an award for it.


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