Friday, September 02, 2005

what i did this summer

so after a little reflection and one rather concerned "so i read your," i realized that this has been one helluva summer for me. i wish i could pinpoint the why or how but i can't. and to be honest, without some serious psychotherapy, i don't know if anyone can. maybe though. i have started to read this self-help book (which i really believe in - the healing power of knowing you're not the only one who is having a hard time) called Life in the Arts. it was written by this psychoanalyst who has worked primarily with artists. he realized that artists have a specific psychological makeup created by their creativity as well as the obstacles they face. it talks about keeping a daily journal. i really think i should start doing this. writing it down does make me feel better. just getting it out of me. and i think that for a while that's what this blog has been for me. a place to just get it out. if i feel like i can't talk to anyone about it, i just post it on the internet. there's a certain freedom in the anonymity of being completely public with your innermost thoughts.
but, well, let's go on.
what have i learned from this summer? that i am the only one who holds the key to my happiness. that my confidence and my success are all hardwon but mine. they are my responsibility to maintain. and i slipped. i slipped into the easy path of self-loathing. its easy to tell yourself you can't do it because then it gets you off the hook. what do you have to accomplish if you believe you can't do anything at all? what do you have to work toward if you keep telling yourself you'll never amount to anything? how will you find something if you convince yourself it useless to even look? i have been, over the course of my life, a very positive person. but it was always something i had to work on. i have not always been this way.
but this summer has felt more like junior high than i am comfortable with.
i need to move on, develop, get my shit together. i don't mean that i feel like i have to get everything in my life figured out and decided right now. i just need to keep an open mind . and believe in myself. oh god how i need the confidence speech right now. my dad used to give my sister and i a speech about believing in ourselves. he told us we could do anything we wanted as long as we had confidence in ourselves. i wish he could say that to me now.
i did call him recently for some paternal advice and all he told was that i was doomed. You have Pacheco genes, he said. That means you will never know what you really want do with your life and you will never be satisfied with what you have. so i'm thinking maybe my dad might have the touch of the summer 05 depression as well.
speaking of, the one thing that did comfort me this summer (and this is slightly mean of me) is that almost everyone i knew also went through a similarly tough time. people all around me were freaking out, filled with self-loathing, having panic attacks. and it made me feel like i was not alone, like life is tough and everyone has to deal with it. it did, however, make me feel less comfortable asking for help. when i feel like i am the strongest one around, even if i am at my lowest point, i will not bother others with my woes. i think that maybe that is something that i have to work on. asking for help. i need to accept that i cannot do it on my own and that that is okay.
i also need to accept the fact that i cannot fix anything. (well, okay, appliances, office equipment, ripped clothing, sure.) people are who they are and they will change on their own terms. i cannot fix them. i cannot fix their problems. i cannot fix fights. people will be angry at each other no matter how much logic you try to throw at them. only those very closely attuned to my way of thinking have ever accepted my logic-based advice. but i like that i can give logical advice. i am good at that. i can separate myself from a situation and give good advice. for that, i am a good friend.
i read somewhere that people who dream bigger are more likely to achieve bigger because the positive energy they expend in dreaming helps them have the confidence to try. well i'm going to try. and dream big.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just thought I would visit and ask that you return the visit. Thanks!

Data Recovery Systems

11:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. Like you said, everybody was having a tough time this summer. It seemed like half of the people in town were always talking about how they might have to leave NYC. And I should point out that while they were continuing in their usual track, you organized and threw the Happy Happy party, which was great, and that's admirable. It's more than anybody I know has been able (or willing) to pull off here. Oh, and fuck Data Recovery Systems.

1:01 PM  

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