disturbed

my whole life, i have been prepared for the possibility that i would lose everything. I have been banking on it. So I spend an overabundance of intellectual time preparing myself for the idea that I might end up homeless and alone.

i imagine the inside of my body as an empty shell, with a dry, hard brittle inside like a honeycomb. and when i drink in water, it softens my insides. it is soaked deep inside and makes my insides gooey and moist.

i imagine myself falling down stairs. i imagine different falls with different outcomes. i imagine my legs broken, my body bruised, my neck broken, my body paralyzed. i imagine the phone call to my parents, the stiffness in the voice of the announcement that I have died in the fall. so i always hold the railing.