Wednesday, October 11, 2006

this is your life.

This is your life. Life is about making choices. And subsequently dealing with those choices. You can choose to live a life of contentment or you can choose the path in which you take for granted all that you have, perhaps even regard it with disdain. Oh, but of course, life is more complicated than just that. Choosing to be happy seems easy, sure, in theory. Theory does not take into account the daily struggle, nay, effort it requires to be happy. There are so many things swirling around us, hellbent on darkening our world. I remember when I could feel my innocence and naivete slipping away from me. I still miss it - that feeling of purity and untainted joy. But even though life had hardened me and my choices have become harder, I focus on living my life happily. Appreciating as hard as I can everything that I have. And being as kind and nice and supportive as I can to my friends and family. But we are on this journey alone. And the day to day of being me becomes wearisome and hackneyed. I am too much myself. And the darkness swirls around. Just long enough for me to forget about what is light. And then I am me again and fabulous - refreshed, renewed, whole. How much do I live inside myself? And how much do I live outside? Do I enjoy the world around me? Is that important? Do I have a higher purpose? What is that? I used to consider myself very intuitive. I knew the trustworthiness of everyone I'd meet. I could feel and change the energy of any room. But somewhere along the way it has become muddied. I no longer trust my gut. It leads me astray. Or else my mind does. Now I fear my energy. A rage sits inside me waiting for me to fuel the flame. It rumbles and spreads in my insides infusing me one minute and nauseating me the next. Sometimes I watch myself speak to people and I am shocked. Where did that come from? Why am I so angry? But I choose to live my life happy so I work it out. I try harder. I fight the force. I force the smile. I smile til it hurts. And the hurt makes me feel better. I was raised Catholic after all. I feel guilty about mostly everything. From enjoying myself to lusting after everyone to rocking the boat at work. Even if all of it is harmless. Even if all of it makes up what I am - the firecracker born on the 5th of July. The inimitable Amy Pacheco. I like that. Being larger than life. Living the persona. Having fun being fabulous and carefree. Being me. But I like cracking the mirror as well. I like the dichotomy of the flawless veneer with the poetry of full disclosure. I am nothing if I cannot perform it onstage. It does not happen unless I tell you about it. The cracks, the chips, the crumbling is who I am as well. And I want you to know all about it. Shape your perspective of me. I choose to erect a statue of myself and then hack it down piece by piece. That is how I live. And it is through that glass that I see the world. And I choose rose-colored glass.


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