Sunday, June 27, 2010

the beginning of something known as "The Spies of Suburbia"

Two ladies sit on opposite sides of the stage facing the audience.

Flo: She’s a bitch is what she is. Always yelling about something or other. I don’t like that woman. Not one bit.

Tamara: There’s something fishy going on up inside that house. I’m not sure what it is but I’m going to find out. I have the ladies on the lookout.

Flo: She has one of those faces that’s all twisted all the time. I can never tell what’s going on in that head of hers. I assume it’s something bitchy.

Tamara: She’s got cameras watching the perimeter of her house and those thick curtains from Crate and Barrel that block any and all light from the outside world. Creepy.

Flo: She got the newspaper boy fired you know. Her story is he was stealing from her. But I heard it was because he rejected her sexual advances. Put a bad taste in my mouth.

Tamara: I think she may have killed one of the new neighbors. I swear I saw him go into her house the other day and I never saw him come out. My binoculars never lie.
Both of their phones ring.

Flo: Oh hello, Pastor Dan. Well sure, I can meet you at town hall in an hour. I would be happy to help you with anything you need.

Tamara: Good afternoon, Officer O’Malley. I do know about that yes. Troublemakers all of them. I would love to come help you with that yes. The town hall in one hour.

They both get up and walk toward the middle of the stage. Flo opens a door into a waiting room on the middle of the stage. There are two chairs next to each other.
Once Flo sits, Tamara opens the door on the other side of that waiting room. They react surprisedly at the sight of each other but do not speak. Tamara sits in the other chair.

A moment or two of eyeing each other. Tamara seems about to speak when a large man in a suit, Jack, comes up behind them both.

JACK: Ladies!

They both jump, not expecting the appearance of this man or his booming voice.

Jack: You two are acquainted, yes? No need for introductions. (he does not wait for a response) GOOD. Ladies, the US government needs your help.

The ladies GASP, look at each other in mutual surprise, remember they hate each other, change their faces to mutual disdain and then they project their surprised faces out to the audience.

Jack: You two are very impressive. We have not seen this kind of civilian surveillance in years. You two have been monitoring each other’s activities so closely, there is not a minute spent in either of your lives for the past three years that has not been recorded.

OVERLAPPING Flo: I don’t know what you’re talking about, I would never…

OVERLAPPING Tamara: That’s quite an accusation, sir. I would blame her…


They jump again

Jack: Do you want to help your country or NOT?
They look at each other, frightened.

BOTH: Yes?

Jack: You two are the best surveillance team we have ever seen in suburban America. I imagine your Neighborhood Watch is very impressed with you. Mrs. Jones, your surveillance of the entire neighborhood has some of the most sensitive equipment we have ever seen a civilian use. And your records of all activity are impeccable.

Overlaps Jack. He talks right over her. Tamara: (to flo) How dare you!

Jack: And you, Mrs. Anderson. The intricate network of housewives you have corralled throughout your neighborhood is one of the most comprehensive information gathering efforts we have ever seen.

Jack only pauses for a second here. Flo: I knew it!

Jack: You two are QUITE A TEAM.

BOTH: what?

Jack: We need the two of you to go to DC for a surveillance mission next Thursday. Do you think you can handle it? We will put you up in the Four Seasons. You two will pretend to be on a sightseeing trip. We need you to watch one of our teams, who will be going to an embassy dinner. We need the kind of comprehensive information gathering you two are skilled at. We’ll be in touch.

Jack leaves abruptly. The two women are alone in a room together.

BOTH look at each other suspiciously: YOU!

the robot commercial sketch

There is a robot in the middle of the stage. Two children are on either side of it, trying to get it to help them.

Kid#1: I need him to clean up my room!

Kid #2: Well, I need him to help me with my geometry!

Robot’s arms go up. Kids Freeze.

Robot: Does this ever happen to you? Do you ever feel as if your humans are pulling you in too many directions? Do you wish there was an easier way for you to get everything done? Well look no further. From the great minds that invented Rohypnol comes a domestic robot’s dream. THE SLEEP LASER. For three easy installments of $29.95, you can get THE SLEEP LASER implanted in your arm. THE SLEEP LASER is compatible with all 3XG actuators. Also available with an adaptor for earlier models.

Robot waves his arms down and unfreezes the children.


Robot points his arm at both of the children (LASER SOUND) and they both fall asleep.

Robot: Think of all the work you can get done!

Masked burglar with gun runs in from stage right.

Masked burglar: Give me all your money!

Robot points his arm at Burglar and puts him to sleep.

Robot: Perfect for home invasions!

The wife walks in with the husband from stage left.

Wife (to husband): Not tonight, honey, I have a headache.

Husband (to robot): A little help here?

Robot points his arm at the wife (LASER SOUND) and she passes out in her husband’s arms.

Robot: Now you too can get your humans to shut the hell up and give you some peace and quiet.

Man (only one still awake onstage): Hey, Wait a minute!

Robot points laser at man and he falls asleep too.

Robot: Call now!

so many moons

it seems like ages ago that i last wrote in this blog. so much has happened. so much has changed. and yet still there is me, trying my best to hike the wilderness of life. how cliche. yes. how comforting.