Monday, July 25, 2005

reject me now or forever hold your peace

i am very tired of receiving preemptive rejections. listen, mister, until i get up the balls to tell you i like you, you are NOT ALLOWED to reject me. seriously. dash my dreams why don't you. you might as well tell me i'm not going to be a successful artist either. thanks. i appreciate it. argh. sometimes boys think they're doing the right thing and it hurts so much more than it ever would if they were just a jerk.

Thursday, July 07, 2005


so i'm pretty sure i'm a crazy person. i was totally insane yesterday. (eloquent but insane) this has much to do with my constant rejection from the y-chromes but also, i believe, to do with the mounting stress from everything going on right now with me as well as (lest we forget) the myriad hormones pulsing through my body. first of all, anyone considering this new seasonale BC in which you only get 4 periods a year, well, i should warn you: instead of bleeding, you get lots and lots of hormones pumped into your system. now, it is true that these lovely hormones are the ones that a) keep you from bleeding, and b) keep them babies away but they also transform me into a supervillian. and this supervillian attacks just me and my hard-earned confidence. because the only person that can convince me i suck is me. and i do a DAMN good job of it. awesome.
i also have family in town, a show to successfully produce (which i should seriously stop worrying about because i could go onstage and say "blah blah blah" and it'd go well), a my roommate is moving out. all in one week. this stress, coupled with my overactive supervillian hormones and yet another rejection from the mens and yes, i am a basket case.
but i'm pretty. and that's all that matters.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

one more thing

my mind is so bleak right now.
all i want to say to that damn boy is:
the problem is i actually like you and to be relegated to sometime fuckbuddy just below your ex in importance hurts me alot. that's why i left, drunk and abruptly.

sad amy wallows

i just found this other blogspot creation: and i have fallen in love with it. (and if i knew anything about html or anything web-related, i'd make an attempt to "link" my blog with it. but whatever.) its a beautiful, artful way of bring humanity out into the open. and i read a comment in it that made me think, well, i am not so alone, i tell people things about my life all the time. but the thing is, i don't. there are parts of me. parts of me that i keep inside because they are unsavory. today, for example. i am feeling so disgustingly self-deprecating, i am almost crying at my desk. now many might fault my job but it has nothing to do with it. not today. today the work that i have to do and the stupid people with which i am forced to interact are but a nuisance. it is all inside my head. last night, as previously recounted, i was blown off. and for some reason, this particular rejection has sent me into a tailspin of "i will never find love" and "no one has ever had a crush on me." and that's tough. especially on so little sleep, on a day on which my only human interaction is crazy, stupid, mean people on the phone. for the past couple of weeks, i had made peace with the insane clientele and coworkers i see everyday. but with the self-hating thoughts running through my head right now, its tough. and i can't seem to shake it. and yet, i have no time NO TIME to sleep now. i have jokes to write, dances to learn, posters to hang, visiting cousins to greet. and through it all, all i can think about is how every guy that i ever come in contact with decides that he wants no kind of relationship with me. none. i live in a pool of this rejection. i've had plenty of sex sure. but the novelty is wearing off. i have had only one real relationship in my life and i don't even know if it really was a real relationship at all. and it was almost 10 years ago. who goes that long? i'm afraid that at this point, i lack any and all skills one might need to have a relationship. to find and nurture a relationship. and the worst part of it is that i'm too stubborn to let go of the idea of having a relationship. so i struggle on. doomed to repeat the same rejection over and over. "i don't really want a relationship with you right now. i just want to be friends/fuckbuddies."
if this is my life, I need a new one STAT.

your timing sucks

i am annoyed. last night, on my birthday, i was given the brushoff by this guy who apparently had loyalties to some other chick and thus, didn't want to sleep with me. but come on, it was my birthday for god's sake. and i really thought that he and i had a thing. but apparently no. apparently i'm the chick you sleep with but who you would never consider dating. what the fuck is up with that? i'll be honest with you. i like sex. more than most, i'd say. it is something that i enjoy doing. but that doesn't mean that that is all i am good for. i am awesome, guys. seriously. who doesn't want to date a cool girl like me? well, apparently everybody. and i am TIRED of just sleeping with people. i would like to go out on a date with somebody. but i guess i have to choose: sex or a date. because in my experience, the two do not mix. well that just sucks. whats up with that? why is it that people have feelings for everyone else in the world but no one, NO ONE (!) has a crush on me. am i not perfect crush material? do i ask too much of you? what?! and the worst part is, i was actually starting to like this guy. and then, on my birthday, he says that his ex-girlfriend wants to get back together with him and while he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, he says (an awkward way of saying it but i appreciate the heads-up), he feels as if sleeping with me tonight would present a problem. so i'm like "if you're not interested why don't you just say that." he's like oh no, its not that i'm not interested, i mean feel free to attempt to seduce me anytime. awesome. so i'm that girl. the girl who you sleep with whenever. no. i'm sorry. i'm not hip to that. if we had established that as a rule right away then fine but you want to be all free and easy with no rules. if the rules are all we do is have sex, i'd say that's a pretty important rule to mention to a person. you know, i don't think i'm asking too much and i am TIRED of feeling bad for being a girl and getting crushes on people. i like boys. i would like to find a boy who likes me, who thinks i'm worth his time, who wants to have sex with me (yes it IS important) but who also wants to spend time with me and doesn't just think of me like a whore. its demeaning and i'm tired of it.
i'm telling you what i picked the WRONG guy to focus on. i had a crush on two guys. this loser who makes me feel like shit and then this other very nice boy who i'm pretty sure isn't interested in me like that - the other end of the spectrum - the FRIEND. to be honest i have no idea how this boy feels about me but i'm too scared to say anything. he's too perfect. i don't want to ruin it by having the i-just-think-of-you-as-a-friend conversation.
this sucks.