Tuesday, June 28, 2005

my show

so i have working for some time on producing this show. its going to be really great. even if i am worried about it. i just want lots of people to come and have a good time. i want to perform well. but mostly, i want to make the bar guarantee so that i don't end up owing bowery an exorbitant amount of money after 4 hours of performing and working so hard to get this show promoted. i have a great poster (see, isn't it great?), an amazing lineup, and some really fun things planned for me to do. i think its going to be a GREAT time. i just hope people come. almost all of my friends in the city that i don't see on a regular basis have already emailed me that they can't come. so that sucks. not that i'm really going to be able to schmooze or anything. i mean i'm going to be a FREAK going from onstage to preparing for my next onstage moment. i need to work hard on the perfect order and flow so that it will go smoothly. i only have 2 or 3 things planned for me to perform so I might be able to relax a little. i need to write out my hosting too. its all paperwork really. i just need to get on it. i booked it, i got the space, i wrote the press release, i worked on the poster, i sent out the PR, and now i just have to be the true stage manager i am and make up a play by play for my tech help, misha. thankfully, i trust all of the people who work at the bowery to help me out. i even have matt as the manager that night so i know i am safe and lucky. but maybe i should get my own assistant for the evening...hmm...
anyway, if anyone who frequents my blog wants to come to the show, please PLEASE do. and drink heavily if you can. ha. as if i know anyone who wouldn't...

Friday, June 24, 2005

this shit sucks

i am mired in self loathing lately. and the irony of that is i hate myself when i get like this. and so, i am caught in the circle of it. great.
an element of the problem, though assuredly not the entirety of it, is my boy situation right now. i have a thing with this boy. an unnamed thing. with no rules or regulations. no structure. and i love structure. so i think that he's not interested...anymore i guess. or at all. i don't know. we... but that doesn't mean anything. not here. not now. nothing. it means nothing. i thought we got along well and i do have fun when i am with him. but all i can think of when i am with him now is this vibe that he is not interested. and that sort of mucks it up. but am i ruining it? or is it already ruined and i am just the annoying girl who keeps calling and trying to get together? i don't know. maybe both. i ruin most things.
i am so blah.
and this, what was initially a source of respite, now seems a vanity piece. i am caught. and all i want to do is hide.
i wonder, if i wasn't surrounded by people who are also in a constant state of self loathing, would i myself be better? do i have to give it time? and what does that mean? wait until it passes? work harder to like myself? take the focus off of myself enough that i forget, or better yet, don't have time to think about why i suck? ugh.
i wish i could move far far away to a cabin in the woods, where i could write alone. and just be. then i wouldn't need to worry about boys and how not a single one of them is actually interested in me. i wouldn't need to worry about this shit job and how i should just keep it because it really isn't all that bad. i wouldn't have to think about my non-career and how much i wish i could be given the chance to be something huge.
but instead, i will be here. sad, lonely, and tired. surrounded by millions of people who don't give a shit about me or themselves. or those who care but who can't change anything.
where am i?

Monday, June 20, 2005


i hate when i get this way but i am SO angry today.

Friday, June 03, 2005

the saddest thing ever

this morning as i was traveling to work, i was daydreaming. and, as i am wont to do, i came up with a sad scenario and dwelled on it. and like the stanislavsky student like i am, it upset me. i thought about what it would be like to go into the witness protection program. and to leave everyone i know behind- all of my friends and family - and never speak to them again. as far as i understand it (and how it was developed in my daydream), i cannot contact anyone that i know ever again. i will be moved to some random location to start a new life. alone. for some, this might seem like a great idea. not me. i can't think of anything worse. especially now that i have nephews to attend to. and my mom and dad. and the artstars. how could i live without them all? and it made me sad. because there are people out there who do this - who have to do this - who choose doing the right thing over the life that they have been building. its pretty admirable. because these people have courage. courage to stand up against someone dangerous. courage to give up everything for the justice of it. i'm too selfish for that. i want my life and my freedom. i want people to know my name. MY NAME. i'm too public a person for all of that. i'd want to perform somewhere and i'm sure that's forbidden in the bylaws of the witness protection program. i'd have to be quiet and sheepish. how would i gain fame (or at least notoriety) if i can't be known? how sad it would all be. how sad.
and yet i still hope that i could have the strength to do it if i had to.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

i recommend

i love my doctor. Dr. Bosch. and i suggest to anyone to go to her. she's just so great. she's nice, informative, trustworthy. she makes me feel secure in my own health. like she's taking care of me. and i'll be alright. i think that is important in a doctor. i believe they call it "bedside manner." i just came back from an appointment with her and she just made me feel better. just by listening. i love her.