this one's for you

you don't have to tell me you had a dream about me
just to make me feel special.
you take me in exactly the way i want to be taken
and you give me just the right amount of bullshit
so that i know you're paying attention;
thank you for keeping me on my toes.

this is the church. this is the steeple. open the doors and you'll find all the people

i've always had trouble with religion. the way it creeps in just when sad things happen. as a crutch. the way it always seems so false. and becomes so political. or is that just the time we live in?
i find comfort in religion. in the idea that communities of people make each other feel better by collecting and worshipping God together.
and yet the reality of it is never like that. it is all judgement. using God for the sake of making people too afraid to be bad. shock them into having good character and morals. use the power of the public eye to convince them to shy away from crime.
when did leading by example go by the wayside? when did patience and calm and acceptance become passe? when did we stop trusting each other and ourselves?
we are an isolated people now. struggling to pretend we are a bonded community, using God as the glue. and what about those of us who can find no solace in the crowd? who see nothing but strangers' faces in the church halls? who feel most out of place in the place where we should all be welcomed?
God's house - where is that? i prefer to think of all the world as God's house. every moment a chance to disappoint God, or hopefully to make Him proud. pleased that this idea He has spun into reality occasionally sparkles with success.
I think God understands the ebb and flow, the balance of all the world better than anyone. it was His idea after all.
if only He could get me to understand how my deference for Him and His creation could be manifested in a community way. i wouldn't mind finding a roof under which I felt comfortable enough to praise Him. but as of yet I do not. perhaps I am too moderate for the world at large. but i really think we all deserve a chance. to be ourselves.

if only it were just elevators

what is it about the enclosed space of an elevator that keeps us quiet? is it a New Yorker thing? do people in other cities speak to one another whilst riding in an elevator? standing sometimes so close you are touching. breathing the same canned air. all just slightly afraid that the elevator might. just. drop. but that's just an excuse. it just feels awkward. maintaining social graces: the polite smile, the silent hello, the guardedly cordial nod. why don't we just speak? even when I do, at the hotel, with a guest, it feels weird, out of place - and my entire job is talking to these people! being in an elevator makes me giggle nervously. the very close presence of another in this moving box. i can feel the other passenger's body tense, holding in her breath. waiting. in silence. what is it about this world that makes people so afraid to interact with each other?

life is life is life

i am afraid to tell people what i am thinking
so my eyes shift
close
open
i want to shout my frustration from the rooftops
but instead i pause
appease
placate
nervously i change the subject
trying my best to be an adult and yet i feel
annoyed
estranged
suffocated
powerless

all the while...
i have never felt more alive
i realize the ridiculousness of the world around me
i feel my inner, secret joy
the excitement creeps up from my toes
my smile is contagious
i want
i want
i want
ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING

slow roast

thank you, they say to you
floating as if on air
it is your doing: this grace
sure of herself once more
effortless glee
wait til you see
she appreciates being adored
your smile will brighten her face
though she may not be aware
this time she will see it through

early wisdom

"i think you're the least fucked up
person i've ever met
and that may be as close to the real thing
as i'm ever gonna get"
-Ani DiFranco, "The Diner"

"life is a b movie
it's stupid and it's strange
a directionless story and the dialogue is lame
but in the he said she said
sometimes there's some poetry
if you turn your back long enough
and let it happen naturally
oh, yeah
hell yeah"
-Ani DiFranco, "Hell Yeah"

"we are made to bleed
and scab and heal and bleed again
and turn every scar into a joke
we are made to fight
and fuck and talk and fight again
and sit around and laugh until we choke
sit around and laugh until we choke"
-Ani DiFranco, "Buildings and Bridges"

"i said skeletons are fine
your closet or mine
and we took turns recounting
the details of lost time
and when we had both
admitted it all
we threw our heads back
and laughed until we cried
we laughed because the world
is absurd and beautiful and small"
-Ani DiFranco, "Small World"