grrrr

is it irrational and wrong that i get annoyed SO EASILY? i mean there are times when i just get so nails-on-a-chalkboard irked that i could scream? and still, i have no cure. i just get angry and bottle it up. and hope my art will release it somehow. how do other people handle this? grrrr.

set it free

if you love something, set it free. that's what they say, right?
then why does it feel like i'm giving up? like i failed at making it work...
i haven't spoken to Ken since our "talk."
and it sucks but i really think i'm just going to have to accept the fact that, well, love does not conquer all. he is not ready for a relationship and i am. and even though, it really hurts (alot), i have to let it go. i have to let him be. he needs to work out his own stuff right now. i have to gracefully step aside. and it sucks because i don't want to. i wanted to work at it and fight for it and make it happen.
but as Stefan reminded me "there is no relationship in your relationship." and its true. and i can't keep pretending its okay that i don't hear from him for weeks at a time. because it is a big deal.
so i have to let go. something that is really tough for me to do. i'm stubborn. and proud.
i want to move on, i've TRIED to move on but...i think i need some time. just sex for a little while (ha).
i just really wish i didn't have to be single again and have to date in this city. maybe when the weather gets better, i will be alive and ready again. blecgh.

that poor girl

I would like to state publicly, to you my blog audience, that if I am ever in the position of that poor, overpublicized, disrespected woman, Terri Schiavo, in that I exist in a vegetative state, please let me die. Please. Let me keep my dignity. Thank you.

is there anything that can be done?

ok, is it me or are we headed on a downward slope toward a totalitarian regime? don't these idiots in congress get that pretty soon, after they vote out all the rights of the people and dissolve the checks and balances, that they will be next? that pretty soon W and his evil minions will be letting each one of them go?
"sorry, fellas...budget cuts."
and what are we supposed to do? how do we make any change?
just when my life as it is was getting easier to handle and now i have to hear about social security reform and credit reform and pretty soon, i'm sure, constitutional reform, or perhaps removal?
and i'm just the kind of conspiracy theorist to think that actually, if all of this horrible crap is being covered by the media(that is in fact OWNED by them), only God and Cheney know what's REALLY happening...
Is there a nucular war on the horizon?
( yes i know i spelled it wrong but i'm pretty sure that now, according to the NEW constitution, that's how you spell it...SIGH)
have we invaded Syria yet? Iran? Korea?
let's make a short list - who haven't we pissed off?
has this administration helped anyone at all? oh i'm sorry i mean anyone who is not so rich that they have no need for a jihad because they're already surrounded by all the virgins a man could want.
(tangent: what's so great about a virgin? is there something extra sexy about a look of pain and confusion on a girl's face when you fuck her? you don't want her to know you're actually shit in bed? or do you subscribe to the tribal myth that fucking a virgin can actually clean you of all the dirty things you have crawling around in your nether regions?)
okay back to the next four years of death and destruction, otherwise known as the W administration: does anybody else think that our government is absolutely ridiculous right now?
what can be done? who do i write letters to? does it matter? how do we overthrow the dictator?

an open letter to anyone who is watching...

dearest hacker:

i have noticed that on occasion, when my internet speed becomes slower and I do a virus scan to "clean up" the place, you are there. watching.

and while i appreciate the attention, i wonder what is it you might want? access to my unpaid over the limit credit card bills? a detailed read of my scintillating personal email? or better yet, the dark secrets of the travel industry?

while i'm sure all of these things might seem interesting to you from that dank corner of the room where you sit in the dark. your pale face lit only by the computer screen, making you look more gaunt and lonely that in reality. where you sit feverishly searching to find what makes me tick. at least while i'm on the computer.

i'm flattered. i really am.

but maybe you should get a life. i mean that in the warmest, most supportive, friendly way possible. maybe take a shower. put that sweater on your mother sent you for Christmas. maybe she's right and cornflower blue is your color. Go out and meet someone. anyone. to talk to. there are billions of us weighing down this tiny island. i bet one of them is looking for a guy just like you.

or take it slow. just sit in the park in the sun and people watch. its like hacking but WAY less illegal (unless you start masturbating...which by the way, i wouldn't suggest you do...).

it'll be good for you to get out. i promise.

and also it would be really great if you could avoid slowing down my internet speed. i'd really appreciate it. really cuts into my quality blogging time...ah, but what am i telling you for - if anyone knows, you know.

glad we had this talk.

if you need to chat, you know where i am.

have a good day.

fakeitude

why do people want me to be fake? i get in the office this morning and ruth is like" are you okay?" i'm like, sure. she says "well, you're not smiling." i said "i'm sorry it's just early in the morning." you've got to figure that after a year working with these women that they'd get that i'm not a morning person. and its monday. and the phones ringing off the hook. why exactly would i smile? but they'd rather i just pretend. i mean, i'm nice to all of the clients. (mostly) what else do they want? one friggin agent actually complained to my coworker that i didn't say "good morning" to her every day and she thought that was rude. oh for the love of god, people. i mean, how do i muster the energy to be nice to you people when all i get is complaining and difficulty. how do i successfuly pretend? this may have been easier for women of their generation. and i don't know why it should be difficult for me. but i've never been one to be fake. i just can't do it. you're getting the real me 24/7. and if i'm pretending, you know, you can tell. this is not to say that i am 100% open all the time. yes i hide. sure. but if i'm acting like everything's okay and you are sure that everything is not, well then i have worked really hard to convince myself that it'll all be okay and i need not worry about it and just have a good time. its like when i was younger and i'd be out to dinner with my parents and my mom would yell at me because i laughed too loud. seriously. what is wrong with laughing? shouldn't we be happy when people are having such a good time that they are laughing, even if it is really loud. needless to say (if you've ever heard me laugh) i didn't listen. i don't think we should hide anything. and i think being fake is the worst thing to do - both for your own psyche and for everyone around you. because the longer you bottle things up, the worse it is when the bottle explodes. this I know. or i'm learning. at least i'm trying to be real most of the time.

liz always makes me think

so i slept intensely late today and when i woke up, as i was reflecting on last night and all of the crazy, likely inadvised things i did last night, my friend Liz called me. she offered to make me dinner and then we could write. and since i have nothing in my fridge but water and pasta (ugh not again), i went over to her house. and we talked. and whenever we talk, as i have mentioned before, she just has a way of knowing what i need to hear. i let her talk about her stuff first because, as i mentioned to her, mine could take all night. so when it got time for me to share, i told her about my most recent discussion with Ken. about our relationship. and she thinks i should be honest with him and tell him how i feel, and when she said i realized that i think so too. everyone i have been talking to about it tells me that i should move on and find a guy who takes care of me and who puts me first and who wants to spend all his time with me. and sure, that might be nice. but you can't control who you fall in love with - and i am in love with Ken. nothing i can do about it. i've tried to talk myself out of it. i've tried to think about ending it all and finding someone who wants to be with me everyday. but i just don't want to. i told you, i'm stubborn. its hard to be honest with yourself. hard to admit that even though something makes you miserable, that maybe its the best thing for you. my life is hard. every day. i mostly hold it all in, but thankfully, i have had a reawakening that makes me happy to open up. and not in a superficial way (which i have done plenty of times). i want to open up. of course i don't want to lose my privacy but i need to be honest. honest with myself. with everyone in my life. especially Ken. because its important. if he is someone with whom I want to share my life (and he is, i know that for sure), i need him to know. to know that i ache for him, that i love him, love him for who he is, for all of the things about him that are wonderful and inspiring and nice and neat and for all of the things about him that are messy and disorganized and crazy and troubled. all of it. i want to be a part of his life. and not in an auxiliary way. in a constant way, a way that helps us both, a way that makes us grow (even if there are, as always, growing pains). i want it all - the bliss, the fear, the exhiliration, the tears. it is all for him. for me. for us. but i am afraid. afraid that if i share this with him, he will run away. that if i tell him i love him, that instead of embracing this as Truth and being glad to have me, that he will feel suffocated by this idea and unable to give back and he will run far far away from me. that is his MO after all - to run away. his anxiety makes him overwhelmed by social pressures, especially that of a girlfriend. but how do i tell him that i am scared too, that he doesn't need to run away from me because I accept him. and with all the shit and difficulty, i want to be there. that i understand that he needs time and space and i will give it to him. as long as he knows how i feel. but really, i want him to love me back. Liz is right. love is selfish. we want to give love selflessly but really we want to be loved back. and i need that. i need to tell him i love him both so he knows it and so i can get it off my chest. i want him to tell me he loves me back. not immediately of course, i can wait for that. i can wait for anything. but i will not wait for nothing. i have to know that there isn't a nothing at the end of all of this. that i did this, felt this for nothing. i know that i can't expect promises or immediate change. but i don't know...i don't want fear to overwhelm this impulse. Liz is right. i should tell him. be honest. he needs to know, if only to know that he can be loved. because he doesn't think he deserves it. but he does, oh he does, he deserves more than even I can give him. i guess that is where the selflessness comes in. telling him so that he can feel good about himself. but isn't that still selfish? oh what does it matter... i have been writing him a letter for weeks, months, with all of my deepest darkest feelings about him, all of the love and intensity i can muster. and now i am going to give it to him. because even if i can find someone who will want to be with me everyday, someone who can spend all his time with me, it doesn't matter. i don't want them. i want Ken. i love Ken.

dude seriously

i think too much.

the main reason

Why is it that i try very hard not to smoke alot? (ok, not that hard...i want to smoke SOOO badly and I consistently bum all sorts of cigarettes a day) so i do not sound like one of our clients, Peggy, who sounds as if when she coughs, gravel actually erupts out of her throat. Gross.

growing up is hard to do

so this whole figuring myself out thing is really hard. first of all, i still have no idea what i'm doing. but i guess that comes in time. its just the getting used to it. getting used to the idea that i don't know and that its okay that i don't know. i had no idea i had such a controlling force within in me but I do. so what has been changing and developing are my relationships. i had a pretty intense talk with Irene about our relationship and how we could make it better. it was at a pretty intense time. when i was feeling completely down and out that she began this conversation with me, but i'm glad we had it. there was a lot that needed to be said. we have, after all, only been friends for about a year now. it was time for some spring cleaning in that dept. but i'm glad it worked out the way it did because it helped me alot to figure out what I needed to work on in myself. and she will be there for me the way that i need her to be. its really all good in that dept. another relationship that has gone through a little changing has been with Ken. he's got a lot going on for him right now, trying to figure out what meds are going to help him the most in dealing with his depression. and that, in itself, is hard work. so we talked on saturday and have taken the commitment level of our relationship down a few notches. it sucked having that conversation too. it really broke my heart that he couldn't fit me in his life right now. but i really do care for him and understand that it is just so hard for him to deal with daily life, never mind a girlfriend and all that entails. so we're still dating. he still cares about me and wants me around, but his first priority is himself and feeling better. and while i cried for hours about it, it really is better. i have to let him go. for both of our sakes. it was getting really hard for me to be monogamous and dedicated to a guy who could not give back that much. so i will support him while he heals himself and if it meant to be, then we'll end up together in the end. if it's not, well then we'll know. its just time, time that sucks. but still, slowly but surely i'm figuring it all out.

what the fuck

i am really fucked up right now. i feel so completely out of control. i don't know what is happening to me. people keep telling me that its just a phase, its just me realizing that i have to make a change in my life, that in the end, it will be okay. but it doesn't feel okay. not today. not for a while. i can't take the stress of my office, i can't take the stress of my relationship, i can't take the stress of everyday human interaction. what is happening to me? i don't like it. its freaking me out. i can't do ANYTHING. i'm afraid of everything. what the fuck. i can't even be nice to people...SIGH. what can i do to make it better? i have NO patience. and i have to go. work is the MOST stressful right now...ARGH.